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Thursday, June 05, 2025

"Big, Beautiful Bill" 2

Version 2

To create a version of the "Big, Beautiful Bill" with no deficit, we need to ensure the net fiscal impact is zero or positive—meaning revenue reductions (from tax cuts) plus new spending are fully offset by spending cuts or revenue increases. We have specified that all tax cuts are on the table, so we will prioritize eliminating them to achieve a balanced budget while preserving key spending priorities (e.g., deportations, border security, defense) where possible. Below, we will outline the original bill, then redesign it to eliminate the deficit. 

Original Bill (Approximate Figures)
  • Revenue Reduction (Tax Cuts): $3.7 trillion over 10 years (CBO estimate)
    • Permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act provisions
    • Eliminates taxes on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
    • Boosts Child Tax Credit to $2,500 per child (2025-2028, then reverts to $2,000)
    • Increases federal deduction for state and local taxes (SALT) to $40,000
    • Enhances Qualified Business Income (QBI) deduction for pass-through businesses to 23%, ends SALT cap workaround
    • Tax relief for seniors
  • Spending Cuts: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
    • Reductions to Medicaid, SNAP (food stamps), and Biden-era clean energy tax credits
    • Freezes states’ provider taxes, prohibits new ones
  • New Spending: ~$275 billion over 10 years (estimates vary)
    • $175 billion for deportations and border wall construction
    • Defense spending increase (exact cost unclear, estimated at $100 billion for this exercise)
  • Net Deficit Impact:
    • $3.7 trillion (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $275 billion (new spending) = $2.775 trillion increase (using lower end of spending cuts for conservatism)
    • CBO estimates a $2.4 trillion deficit increase; CRFB suggests $3.1 trillion with interest
  • Total Fiscal Impact: ~$3.8 trillion (gross cost of tax cuts + new spending, per some reports)
Goal: No Deficit
  • Objective: Net fiscal impact = $0 (or a surplus)
  • Formula: Revenue reduction + New spending - Spending cuts = 0
  • Strategy:
    • Eliminate all tax cuts to remove the $3.7 trillion revenue loss, as instructed
    • Retain or adjust new spending (deportations, border wall, defense) where possible
    • Increase spending cuts if needed to offset any remaining new spending
  • Assumptions:
    • Exact costs of individual tax cuts and defense spending aren’t fully detailed, so we will use aggregates and estimates
    • Interest costs (e.g., CRFB’s $3.1 trillion estimate) vary with debt trajectory; we will focus on primary balance (revenue vs. spending) for simplicity, but a true zero-deficit goal accounts for interest
Revised Bill: Zero Deficit
  1. Tax Cuts
    • Action: Remove all tax cuts, as all are on the table
      • Scrap permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act (expires as scheduled in 2025)
      • Eliminate no tax on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
      • Drop Child Tax Credit boost (stays at $2,000)
      • Remove SALT deduction increase (remains at $10,000 cap)
      • Eliminate QBI deduction boost to 23%, keep SALT cap workaround for businesses
      • Remove tax relief for seniors
    • Result: Revenue reduction = $0
    • Savings: $3.7 trillion over 10 years
  2. Spending Cuts
    • Original: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
    • Action: Increase cuts to offset new spending fully
      • Retain original cuts: $1.2 trillion
        • Medicaid reductions (e.g., provider tax freezes, copay adjustments, avoiding direct benefit cuts where possible)
        • SNAP (food stamps) reductions
        • Roll back Biden-era clean energy tax credits (earlier phase-out of vehicle credits)
      • Additional Cuts: To balance the budget, we need to offset new spending (see below). Assume new spending remains at $275 billion. Original cuts ($1.2 trillion) exceed this, but we’ll scale cuts to ensure balance and address Senate concerns (e.g., Hawley’s Medicaid stance)
      • New Cuts: Target discretionary and mandatory programs
        • Deeper administrative savings in Medicaid (e.g., streamline operations, fraud reduction): Est. $100 billion
        • Reduce federal workforce and agency budgets (e.g., non-defense discretionary): Est. $100 billion
        • Trim infrastructure or education grants: Est. $75 billion
    • Result: Total spending cuts = $1.2 trillion (original) + $275 billion (additional) = $1.475 trillion
    • Note: Exact areas for new cuts are speculative; Congress would need to identify specific programs. we have avoided deep cuts to benefits (e.g., Medicare, Social Security) to align with political realities (e.g., Trump’s Medicaid benefit assurances)
  3. New Spending
    • Original: ~$275 billion
      • $175 billion for deportations and border wall
      • ~$100 billion for defense (estimated)
    • Action: Retain core priorities, as these align with Trump’s agenda
      • Deportations and border wall: $175 billion (unchanged)
      • Defense spending increase: $100 billion (unchanged, assumed figure)
    • Result: New spending = $275 billion
    • Rationale: These are signature GOP priorities; cutting them would face resistance. Spending cuts are adjusted to cover this fully
  4. Fiscal Impact
    • Revenue Reduction: $0 (all tax cuts removed)
    • Spending Cuts: $1.475 trillion
    • New Spending: $275 billion
    • Net Deficit Impact:
      • $0 (revenue loss) - $1.475 trillion (cuts) + $275 billion (new spending) = -$1.2 trillion
      • Result: A $1.2 trillion surplus over 10 years
    • Adjustment for Zero Deficit:
      • A surplus exceeds the goal, so we could reduce spending cuts slightly
      • Revised cuts: Target $275 billion to match new spending exactly
        • Original cuts: $1.2 trillion (Medicaid, SNAP, clean energy)
        • Scale back additional cuts: Reduce to $75 billion (e.g., $50 billion from admin savings, $25 billion from agency budgets)
        • Total cuts: $1.2 trillion + $75 billion = $1.275 trillion
    • Final Balance:
      • Revenue reduction: $0
      • Spending cuts: $1.275 trillion
      • New spending: $275 billion
      • Net deficit impact: $0 - $1.275 trillion + $275 billion = $0
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $275 billion (new spending only, as tax cuts are gone)
  5. Summary of Revised Bill
    • Tax Cuts: None ($0 cost)
    • Spending Cuts: $1.275 trillion over 10 years
      • $1.2 trillion: Original cuts to Medicaid (admin-focused), SNAP, clean energy credits
      • $75 billion: Additional cuts (e.g., $50 billion from Medicaid admin, $25 billion from agency budgets)
    • New Spending: $275 billion
      • $175 billion: Deportations and border wall
      • $100 billion: Defense spending increase
    • Net Deficit Impact: $0 (balanced budget)
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $275 billion (new spending only)
Caveats
  • Estimates: Exact costs for individual tax cuts and defense spending are not fully specified in sources, so we have relied on CBO aggregates ($3.7 trillion for tax cuts) and a conservative $100 billion for defense.
  • Spending Cuts: Additional cuts ($75 billion) are speculative; Congress would need to identify precise targets. Deep cuts to popular programs (e.g., Medicare, Social Security) are avoided due to political risk.
  • Interest: A true zero-deficit bill accounts for interest costs, which vary. This version achieves a primary balance (revenue vs. spending); a surplus might be needed for total debt neutrality.
  • Senate Viability: Removing all tax cuts may lose GOP support (e.g., for Child Tax Credit, no tax on tips), while deeper spending cuts face resistance from moderates and Democrats. Reconciliation helps, but unity is key.
Final Thoughts
This version eliminates the deficit by scrapping all $3.7 trillion in tax cuts and boosting spending cuts to $1.275 trillion to fully offset $275 billion in new spending for deportations, border security, and defense. The result is a leaner $275 billion bill with a net fiscal impact of zero.



Version 3

To create a version of the "Big, Beautiful Bill" with no deficit and no increase in defense spending, we’ll eliminate all tax cuts (as previously allowed) and remove the defense spending increase, then adjust spending cuts to ensure the net fiscal impact is zero. The goal is to balance revenue reductions and new spending with cuts, while preserving key priorities like deportations and border security where possible. Below, we will recap the original bill and redesign it accordingly.
Original Bill (Approximate Figures)
  • Revenue Reduction (Tax Cuts): $3.7 trillion over 10 years (CBO estimate)
    • Permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act provisions
    • Eliminates taxes on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
    • Boosts Child Tax Credit to $2,500 per child (2025-2028, then reverts to $2,000)
    • Increases federal deduction for state and local taxes (SALT) to $40,000
    • Enhances Qualified Business Income (QBI) deduction for pass-through businesses to 23%, ends SALT cap workaround
    • Tax relief for seniors
  • Spending Cuts: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
    • Reductions to Medicaid, SNAP (food stamps), and Biden-era clean energy tax credits
    • Freezes states’ provider taxes, prohibits new ones
  • New Spending: ~$275 billion over 10 years (estimates vary)
    • $175 billion for deportations and border wall construction
    • ~$100 billion for defense spending increase (estimated, as exact cost is unclear)
  • Net Deficit Impact:
    • $3.7 trillion (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $275 billion (new spending) = $2.775 trillion increase (using lower end of cuts)
    • CBO estimates $2.4 trillion deficit increase; CRFB suggests $3.1 trillion with interest
  • Total Fiscal Impact: ~$3.8 trillion (gross cost of tax cuts + new spending)
Goal: No Deficit, No Defense Spending Increase
  • Objective: Net fiscal impact = $0 (or a surplus)
  • Formula: Revenue reduction + New spending - Spending cuts = 0
  • Strategy:
    • Eliminate all tax cuts to remove the $3.7 trillion revenue loss
    • Remove the defense spending increase (est. $100 billion)
    • Retain deportations and border wall spending, a key Trump priority
    • Adjust spending cuts to fully offset remaining new spending
  • Assumptions:
    • Defense spending increase is estimated at $100 billion (lacking precise data)
    • Exact costs of individual tax cuts are aggregated by the CBO at $3.7 trillion
    • Interest costs are excluded for a primary balance; a surplus might be needed for total debt neutrality
Revised Bill: Zero Deficit, No Defense Increase
  1. Tax Cuts
    • Action: Remove all tax cuts, as all are on the table
      • Scrap permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act (expires in 2025)
      • Eliminate no tax on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
      • Drop Child Tax Credit boost (stays at $2,000)
      • Remove SALT deduction increase (remains at $10,000 cap)
      • Eliminate QBI deduction boost to 23%, keep SALT cap workaround
      • Remove tax relief for seniors
    • Result: Revenue reduction = $0
    • Savings: $3.7 trillion over 10 years
  2. Spending Cuts
    • Original: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
    • Action: Adjust cuts to offset remaining new spending
      • Retain original cuts: $1.2 trillion
        • Medicaid reductions (e.g., provider tax freezes, copay adjustments, minimize direct benefit cuts)
        • SNAP (food stamps) reductions
        • Roll back Biden-era clean energy tax credits (earlier phase-out of vehicle credits)
      • Need: New spending will be reduced to $175 billion (see below). Original cuts ($1.2 trillion) exceed this, so we can scale back additional cuts from the prior version
      • Revised Cuts: No additional cuts needed beyond the original $1.2 trillion, as this already covers the $175 billion in new spending
    • Result: Total spending cuts = $1.2 trillion
    • Note: I’ve kept cuts at the lower CBO estimate ($1.2 trillion) and focused on administrative savings (e.g., Medicaid operations, fraud reduction) to align with political sensitivities (e.g., Trump’s assurance against Medicaid benefit cuts)
  3. New Spending
    • Original: ~$275 billion
      • $175 billion for deportations and border wall
      • ~$100 billion for defense spending increase
    • Action: Eliminate defense spending increase
      • Deportations and border wall: $175 billion (unchanged, a core Trump priority)
      • Defense spending increase: $0 (removed entirely)
    • Result: New spending = $175 billion
    • Rationale: Deportations and border wall are signature GOP goals; removing defense spending aligns with your request, though it may face pushback from defense hawks
  4. Fiscal Impact
    • Revenue Reduction: $0 (all tax cuts removed)
    • Spending Cuts: $1.2 trillion
    • New Spending: $175 billion
    • Net Deficit Impact:
      • $0 (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $175 billion (new spending) = -$1.025 trillion
      • Result: A $1.025 trillion surplus over 10 years
    • Adjustment for Zero Deficit:
      • A surplus exceeds the goal, so reduce spending cuts to match new spending exactly
      • Revised cuts: Target $175 billion
        • Scale back original cuts: Reduce Medicaid, SNAP, and clean energy cuts proportionally
        • Example: Medicaid admin savings and provider tax freezes: $100 billion
        • SNAP reductions: $50 billion
        • Clean energy credit rollbacks: $25 billion
        • Total cuts: $175 billion
    • Final Balance:
      • Revenue reduction: $0
      • Spending cuts: $175 billion
      • New spending: $175 billion
      • Net deficit impact: $0 - $175 billion + $175 billion = $0
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $175 billion (new spending only, as tax cuts are gone)
  5. Summary of Revised Bill
    • Tax Cuts: None ($0 cost)
    • Spending Cuts: $175 billion over 10 years
      • $100 billion: Medicaid (admin savings, provider tax freezes)
      • $50 billion: SNAP reductions
      • $25 billion: Roll back clean energy tax credits
    • New Spending: $175 billion
      • $175 billion: Deportations and border wall
      • $0: Defense spending increase
    • Net Deficit Impact: $0 (balanced budget)
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $175 billion (new spending only)
Caveats
  • Estimates: Exact costs for individual tax cuts and defense spending are not fully detailed, so we have used CBO’s $3.7 trillion for tax cuts and an estimated $100 billion for defense.
  • Spending Cuts: Scaling cuts to $175 billion is speculative; Congress would need to pinpoint programs. We have minimized direct benefit cuts (e.g., Medicaid, Social Security) due to political risks and Trump’s assurances.
  • Interest: This achieves a primary balance (revenue vs. spending); interest costs might require a surplus for true debt neutrality.
  • Senate Viability: No tax cuts may lose GOP support (e.g., for Child Tax Credit), and no defense increase could frustrate hawks. Scaled-back cuts help moderates but may not satisfy fiscal hawks. Reconciliation aids passage, but unity is uncertain.
Final Thoughts
This version eliminates the deficit and defense spending by removing all $3.7 trillion in tax cuts and the $100 billion defense increase, retaining $175 billion for deportations and border wall, and matching it with $175 billion in spending cuts to Medicaid, SNAP, and clean energy credits. The result is a $175 billion bill with a net fiscal impact of zero.





Version 4

To create a version of the "Big, Beautiful Bill" with no deficit, no increase in defense spending, and no cuts to Medicaid or SNAP, we’ll need to eliminate all tax cuts, remove the defense spending increase, preserve Medicaid and SNAP funding, and find alternative spending cuts to fully offset remaining new spending. The goal is a net fiscal impact of zero. Below, we will recap the original bill and redesign it accordingly.
Original Bill (Approximate Figures)
  • Revenue Reduction (Tax Cuts): $3.7 trillion over 10 years (CBO estimate)
    • Permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act provisions
    • Eliminates taxes on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
    • Boosts Child Tax Credit to $2,500 per child (2025-2028, then reverts to $2,000)
    • Increases federal deduction for state and local taxes (SALT) to $40,000
    • Enhances Qualified Business Income (QBI) deduction for pass-through businesses to 23%, ends SALT cap workaround
    • Tax relief for seniors
  • Spending Cuts: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
    • Reductions to Medicaid, SNAP (food stamps), and Biden-era clean energy tax credits
    • Freezes states’ provider taxes, prohibits new ones
  • New Spending: ~$275 billion over 10 years (estimates vary)
    • $175 billion for deportations and border wall construction
    • ~$100 billion for defense spending increase (estimated, as exact cost is unclear)
  • Net Deficit Impact:
    • $3.7 trillion (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $275 billion (new spending) = $2.775 trillion increase (using lower end of cuts)
    • CBO estimates $2.4 trillion deficit increase; CRFB suggests $3.1 trillion with interest
  • Total Fiscal Impact: ~$3.8 trillion (gross cost of tax cuts + new spending)
Goal: No Deficit, No Defense Increase, No Cuts to Medicaid or SNAP
  • Objective: Net fiscal impact = $0 (or a surplus)
  • Formula: Revenue reduction + New spending - Spending cuts = 0
  • Strategy:
    • Eliminate all tax cuts to remove the $3.7 trillion revenue loss
    • Remove the defense spending increase (est. $100 billion)
    • Retain deportations and border wall spending, a key Trump priority
    • Preserve Medicaid and SNAP, excluding them from cuts
    • Find alternative spending cuts to offset remaining new spending
  • Assumptions:
    • Defense spending increase is estimated at $100 billion
    • Exact costs of individual tax cuts are aggregated at $3.7 trillion by CBO
    • Medicaid and SNAP cuts likely constitute a significant portion of the original $1.2-$1.5 trillion in cuts, so replacements will be challenging but feasible
    • Interest costs are excluded for primary balance; a surplus might be needed for total debt neutrality
Revised Bill: Zero Deficit, No Defense Increase, No Medicaid/SNAP Cuts
  1. Tax Cuts
    • Action: Remove all tax cuts, as all are on the table
      • Scrap permanent extension of 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act (expires in 2025)
      • Eliminate no tax on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest
      • Drop Child Tax Credit boost (stays at $2,000)
      • Remove SALT deduction increase (remains at $10,000 cap)
      • Eliminate QBI deduction boost to 23%, keep SALT cap workaround
      • Remove tax relief for seniors
    • Result: Revenue reduction = $0
    • Savings: $3.7 trillion over 10 years
  2. Spending Cuts
    • Original: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years
      • Included Medicaid, SNAP, clean energy tax credits, provider tax freezes
    • Action: No cuts to Medicaid or SNAP; find $175 billion in alternative cuts to offset new spending
      • Exclude:
        • Medicaid: No reductions, no provider tax freezes, no copay changes
        • SNAP: No reductions to benefits or eligibility
      • Retain/Adjust:
        • Roll back Biden-era clean energy tax credits (e.g., earlier phase-out of vehicle credits): Est. $100 billion
      • New Cuts: Need $75 billion more to reach $175 billion
        • Reduce non-defense discretionary spending (e.g., education grants, housing programs, arts funding): $30 billion
        • Streamline federal agency operations (e.g., reduce workforce, cut administrative overhead): $25 billion
        • Eliminate or delay smaller infrastructure projects (e.g., non-critical transportation or water initiatives): $20 billion
    • Result: Total spending cuts = $175 billion
      • $100 billion: Roll back clean energy tax credits
      • $30 billion: Non-defense discretionary reductions
      • $25 billion: Agency operation efficiencies
      • $20 billion: Infrastructure delays or cancellations
    • Note: Exact figures are speculative; Congress would need to identify specific programs. I’ve avoided cuts to Medicare, Social Security, or defense to align with political realities and your prior request to nix defense increases.
  3. New Spending
    • Original: ~$275 billion
      • $175 billion for deportations and border wall
      • ~$100 billion for defense spending increase
    • Action: Eliminate defense spending increase
      • Deportations and border wall: $175 billion (unchanged, a core Trump priority)
      • Defense spending increase: $0 (removed entirely)
    • Result: New spending = $175 billion
    • Rationale: Deportations and border wall are central to the GOP agenda; removing defense spending aligns with your request, though it risks pushback from defense hawks
  4. Fiscal Impact
    • Revenue Reduction: $0 (all tax cuts removed)
    • Spending Cuts: $175 billion
      • $100 billion: Clean energy credit rollbacks
      • $30 billion: Non-defense discretionary
      • $25 billion: Agency efficiencies
      • $20 billion: Infrastructure delays
    • New Spending: $175 billion
      • $175 billion: Deportations and border wall
    • Net Deficit Impact:
      • $0 (revenue loss) - $175 billion (cuts) + $175 billion (new spending) = $0
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $175 billion (new spending only, as tax cuts are gone)
  5. Summary of Revised Bill
    • Tax Cuts: None ($0 cost)
    • Spending Cuts: $175 billion over 10 years
      • $100 billion: Roll back clean energy tax credits
      • $30 billion: Reduce non-defense discretionary spending (e.g., education, housing)
      • $25 billion: Streamline federal agency operations
      • $20 billion: Delay or cancel smaller infrastructure projects
    • New Spending: $175 billion
      • $175 billion: Deportations and border wall
      • $0: Defense spending increase
    • Net Deficit Impact: $0 (balanced budget)
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $175 billion (new spending only)
Caveats
  • Estimates: Exact costs for tax cuts ($3.7 trillion aggregate from CBO), defense spending ($100 billion estimated), and original Medicaid/SNAP cuts are not fully broken down, so I’ve used approximations.
  • Spending Cuts: Finding $175 billion without touching Medicaid, SNAP, Medicare, Social Security, or defense is challenging. Cuts to discretionary spending, agencies, and infrastructure are speculative and may face resistance from Democrats and moderates.
  • Interest: This achieves a primary balance (revenue vs. spending); interest on existing debt might require a surplus for true debt neutrality.
  • Senate Viability: No tax cuts alienate GOP supporters of Child Tax Credit or tip relief; no defense increase frustrates hawks; and discretionary cuts spark opposition. Reconciliation helps, but passage is uncertain without broad support.
Final Thoughts
This version eliminates the deficit and defense spending, preserves Medicaid and SNAP, and removes all $3.7 trillion in tax cuts. New spending of $175 billion for deportations and border wall is offset by $175 billion in cuts to clean energy credits, discretionary programs, agency operations, and infrastructure. The result is a $175 billion bill with a net fiscal impact of zero.






“Donald Trump Explains Artificial Intelligence… Using The Apprentice” — A Parody**

Scene: A flashy stage made to look like the old Apprentice boardroom. Trump sits at a desk in front of a giant screen that just says “A.I. = Absolutely Incredible.” A robot in a red tie stands behind him. Eric and Don Jr. are present, pretending to understand. A confused computer science professor is in the audience, visibly sweating.

Trump:
Okay, folks. Today, we’re going to talk about something very big. Maybe the biggest thing ever. Bigger than my hands. It’s called Artificial Intelligence — or as I call it, Artie. Great name. Great guy.

Now, a lot of people don’t get A.I. They say it’s complicated. But I understand it perfectly. I basically invented it with The Apprentice. Every week, I analyzed humans. I judged their work. I told them, “You’re fired.” That’s intelligence. That’s decision-making. That’s TrumpGPT.

Eric (whispering):
Is that a real thing, Dad?

Trump:
Not yet. But it will be. We’re working on it. It’ll be the first A.I. that only takes very smart input — like from me — and gives very stable genius output. No bias. No woke nonsense. Just truth and gold.

[He pats the robot behind him.]

This is TRUMBOT-2024. It only says things like “America First,” “Fake News,” and “Make Algorithms Great Again.” It also plays golf. Very impressive swing.

CS Professor (in horror):
Sir, AI is a deeply complex field involving neural networks, machine learning,—

Trump (cutting her off):
Neural? Sounds like a liberal science. Look, I’ve met many real networks — Fox, NBC, even CNN back when they were BEGGING me for ratings. But machines? Machines are like interns. You tell them what to do. If they mess up — you fire them. Simple!

Don Jr.:
We could turn The Apprentice into an A.I. simulator. Replace contestants with bots!

Trump:
That’s the future, folks. TrumpGPT judges everyone. Winners get a cabinet position. Losers get Truth Social accounts.

Now, they say A.I. might replace jobs. But guess what? I already replaced half of government with family members and vibes. You think I’m scared of a chatbot?

[Crowd chants “CHAT-BOT TRUMP! CHAT-BOT TRUMP!”]

Trump:
And ChatGPT? People say it’s smart. I tested it. I asked: “Who is the greatest president of all time?” It said “Lincoln.” WRONG. That’s bias. That’s rigged. The correct answer is “Trump. Also, very handsome.”

Professor:
Sir, A.I. needs ethics, oversight, and governance—

Trump:
Exactly. And who better to govern A.I. than someone with the best instincts? I’ll make an Executive Order — “If a robot tries to outsmart me, it’s deported. Even if it was made in America.”

Eric:
Can you deport code?

Trump:
If you’re Trump, you can.

[TRUMBOT-2024 interrupts: “LOW ENERGY JEB DETECTED.”]

Trump:
You see? It’s already better than the CIA.

[Lights dim. Cue Apprentice theme music.]

Trump:
So remember: A.I. isn’t here to replace us. It’s here to replicate me — and that’s the best-case scenario for the planet.

Robot Trump:
“You’re fired.”



“Donald Trump Explains Quantum Computing… Using a Casino” — A Parody

Scene: Trump Casino, Atlantic City (rebuilt in his imagination). Red carpet. Gold everything. Trump stands at a blackjack table with a stack of chips and a confused physicist in a bowtie. A neon sign reads: “QUANTUM TRUMPING — Bet on Every Outcome!”

Trump:
Okay, folks, we’re diving into the future — the really weird future — Quantum Computing. They say it's hard to explain. But I get it. I totally get it. Because it’s basically a casino. And nobody knows casinos better than me. I’ve won and I’ve strategically declared bankruptcy — which is a kind of winning. You’re welcome.

[Physicist groans. Trump winks.]

Now, regular computers? BORING. They’re like slot machines with one reel. It spins, gives you a number, that’s it. Predictable. Sad. But quantum computers? Oh baby. They’re like playing every table at once, hitting on 19, folding a royal flush, and still winning because the universe owes you money.

Don Jr. (excitedly):
Is it like cheating, but legal?

Trump:
Exactly. It’s like cheating with physics. Instead of just 1s and 0s — which are fine, very solid numbers — quantum computers use “qubits,” which are like chips that are red and black at the same time. Schrodinger's chips. Big win.

Physicist (muttering):
That’s not even close—

Trump (ignoring):
And guess what? In the quantum casino, you don’t just win or lose — you do BOTH. At the same time. Until someone looks. Then it collapses. Kind of like CNN’s ratings.

*[Audience howls. A dealer faints.]

You’ve got superposition, which is when your chip is on every number — until the croupier looks and boom, it’s on 36 and you win. Tremendous concept. Very Trumpian.

Then there's entanglement — spooky action at a distance. You split two chips, send one to Russia and one to Mar-a-Lago — and they still match! I said, “Putin’s gonna love that one.”

Physicist (desperately):
This is sacred science. Not a joke—

Trump:
It’s not a joke. It’s a business model. Imagine a Trump Quantum Casino — you play once, and win in every parallel universe. If you lose, we just say it happened in the wrong timeline. Total exoneration.

Ivanka (entering gracefully):
Daddy, should we launch a QuantumCoin?

Trump:
Yes. QuantumCoin. It’s worth one and zero dollars at the same time — and it’s accepted nowhere, but you feel rich. Just like Bitcoin, but classier.

*[The physicist screams internally.]

So in conclusion: Quantum Computing is the most exciting thing since Trump Vodka. It’s like gambling on infinite slot machines in infinite dimensions… and always landing on “JACKPOT — YOU’RE PRESIDENT AGAIN.”

Trump:
That’s quantum supremacy, folks.

[He throws a gold-dipped dice. It lands on every number at once.]

Trump:
Now if only we could count votes like this. Think about it.


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