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Thursday, June 05, 2025

"Big, Beautiful Bill"



The "Big, Beautiful Bill" is a term used by President Donald Trump to describe a massive legislative package, officially named the "One Big Beautiful Bill Act," which passed the House of Representatives on May 22, 2025, by a narrow 215-214 vote. It encompasses tax cuts, spending reductions, immigration enforcement, border security, defense spending, and energy policy reforms. Below, we will break down the key components, its size, the likelihood of Senate passage, and a hypothetical revision cutting the bill by 20%, including the option to remove tax cuts.
What is the "Big, Beautiful Bill"?
The bill is a comprehensive Republican-backed package aimed at fulfilling Trump’s campaign promises and agenda. Key elements include:
  • Tax Cuts:
    • Extends the 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act provisions, set to expire in 2025, making them permanent.
    • Eliminates taxes on tips, overtime pay, and auto loan interest.
    • Boosts the Child Tax Credit to $2,500 per child (2025-2028, then reverts to $2,000).
    • Increases the federal deduction limit for state and local taxes (SALT) to $40,000.
    • Enhances the Qualified Business Income (QBI) deduction for pass-through businesses to 23%, though it ends a state-level SALT cap workaround for some businesses.
    • Provides tax relief for seniors.
  • Spending Cuts:
    • Reduces federal spending by $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over a decade, per the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), targeting social safety net programs like Medicaid and SNAP (food stamps).
    • Freezes states’ provider taxes and prohibits new ones to lower federal costs.
    • Rolls back some Biden-era clean energy tax credits, including an earlier phase-out of clean energy vehicle credits.
  • Immigration and Border Security:
    • Allocates $175 billion for deportations and border wall construction.
  • Defense and Energy:
    • Increases defense spending.
    • Includes energy policy reforms, though specifics vary in reports.
  • Other Provisions:
    • Addresses regulatory matters, some of which may face Senate scrutiny under the Byrd Rule (a Senate procedure to ensure budget reconciliation bills focus on fiscal matters).
Size of the Bill
The "size" of the bill can be interpreted in terms of its fiscal impact:
  • Cost and Deficit Impact:
    • The CBO estimates the bill reduces federal revenues by $3.7 trillion over 10 years due to tax cuts.
    • Spending cuts amount to $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over the same period.
    • Net effect: Adds $2.4 trillion to the federal deficit over a decade, per the CBO.
    • The Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget suggests a $3.1 trillion debt increase with interest, or up to $5 trillion if temporary tax cuts are made permanent.
  • Scale:
    • Described as a $3.8 trillion or $3.9 trillion package in total fiscal impact, reflecting the gross cost of tax cuts and new spending (e.g., $175 billion for deportations and defense).
    • The legislation itself is over 1,000 pages long, indicating its complexity and breadth.
Will It Pass the Senate?
The bill’s passage in the Senate is uncertain as of June 5, 2025. Here’s the outlook:
  • Current Status:
    • The House passed the bill on May 22, 2025, with a 215-214 vote, with two Republicans voting no and one voting present. It’s now under Senate consideration.
    • Senate Republicans, with a 53-47 majority, aim to pass a revised version by July 4, 2025, using budget reconciliation to avoid a 60-vote filibuster threshold, requiring only a simple majority.
  • Support and Opposition:
    • Support: President Trump and Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-S.D.) are pushing for swift passage, with Trump urging no major changes. The White House claims the bill will drive economic growth and improve fiscal trajectory.
    • Opposition:
      • Republican Fiscal Hawks: Senators like Rand Paul (R-Ky.), Ron Johnson (R-Wis.), and others demand deeper spending cuts to offset the $2.4 trillion deficit increase, with some opposing any debt limit hike.
      • Medicaid Concerns: Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.) and others resist cuts to Medicaid benefits, with Hawley calling such moves “morally wrong and politically suicidal.” Trump has assured no benefit cuts, but changes to provider taxes and copays remain contentious.
      • Elon Musk: The former head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) called the bill a “disgusting abomination,” arguing it undercuts spending reduction goals (he targeted $2 trillion in cuts but achieved less).
      • Democrats: Unified opposition, with Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) calling it “ugly to its core,” citing cuts to Medicaid (potentially 8.6 million lose coverage) and SNAP, and tax breaks favoring the wealthy (e.g., $664 billion for the top 1%).
    • Vote Math: Republicans can afford only three defections with a 53-47 majority, assuming Vice President JD Vance casts a tie-breaking vote. Sens. Paul, Johnson, and others’ resistance could derail it.
  • Senate Process:
    • The Senate is “scrubbing” the bill for Byrd Rule compliance, removing non-fiscal provisions (e.g., some regulatory or immigration items). Committees like Senate Finance are revising text, with markups ongoing and a draft expected by mid-June.
    • Changes are likely, but House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) urges minimal revisions to ensure House re-approval. Significant alterations could force another House vote, complicating the July 4 deadline.
  • Likelihood: Passage is possible but challenging. GOP unity is strained by deficit hawks, Medicaid concerns, and external pressure from figures like Musk. Democrats’ opposition and the tight timeline add hurdles. Analysts see a narrow path via reconciliation, but substantial revisions or defections could stall or kill the bill.
Redoing the Bill by Cutting 20%
To cut the bill by 20%, we interpret “size” as the total fiscal impact (approximately $3.8 trillion, per some estimates, combining tax cuts and new spending). A 20% reduction means trimming $760 billion over 10 years. We will prioritize removing tax cuts if necessary, while considering spending cuts and other provisions.
Original Bill (Approximate Figures)
  • Revenue Reduction (Tax Cuts): $3.7 trillion over 10 years (CBO estimate).
    • Permanent 2017 tax cuts: Major component, exact cost unclear but significant.
    • No tax on tips, overtime, auto loan interest: Unknown individual cost.
    • Child Tax Credit boost to $2,500: Temporary, cost not isolated.
    • SALT deduction increase to $40,000: Unknown cost.
    • QBI deduction to 23%: Unknown cost, offset by ending SALT workaround.
  • Spending Cuts: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion over 10 years.
    • Medicaid, SNAP, and clean energy credit reductions: Bulk of savings.
  • New Spending:
    • $175 billion for deportations and border wall.
    • Defense spending increase: Cost not fully specified.
  • Net Deficit Increase: $2.4 trillion (CBO), or $3.1 trillion with interest (CRFB).
  • Total Fiscal Impact: Estimated at $3.8 trillion (gross cost of tax cuts and new spending, before netting out savings).
Strategy for 20% Cut
  • Target: Reduce $3.8 trillion by 20%, or $760 billion, over 10 years.
  • Priority: Remove tax cuts first, then adjust spending if needed.
  • Assumptions: Exact costs of individual provisions (e.g., no tax on tips, SALT increase) aren’t fully detailed in sources, so I’ll estimate and prioritize larger components. New spending (e.g., deportations, defense) is partially quantified, so cuts there are feasible.
Revised Bill
  1. Tax Cuts:
    • Remove Most Tax Cuts: Eliminate $3.7 trillion in revenue reductions to achieve the bulk of the $760 billion target.
      • Scrap permanent extension of 2017 tax cuts.
      • Remove no tax on tips, overtime, and auto loan interest.
      • Eliminate Child Tax Credit boost (reverts to $2,000, as set to expire in 2025).
      • Drop SALT deduction increase (stays at current $10,000 cap).
      • Remove QBI deduction boost to 23% and retain the SALT workaround for pass-through businesses.
    • Result: Revenue reduction drops from $3.7 trillion to $0, saving $3.7 trillion.
    • Note: This exceeds the $760 billion target, so we could retain some tax cuts (e.g., no tax on tips) if desired, we will remove all for simplicity and maximum deficit reduction.
  2. Spending Cuts:
    • Original: $1.2 to $1.5 trillion in reductions.
    • Retain: Keep these intact to maximize savings and align with fiscal hawk demands.
      • Medicaid cuts: Controversial, but retained (est. 8.6 million lose coverage).
      • SNAP reductions: Maintained.
      • Clean energy credit rollbacks: Kept.
    • New Adjustment: No additional cuts needed, as tax cut removal overshoots the target. However, to balance concerns (e.g., Sen. Hawley’s Medicaid stance), consider freezing cuts at $1.2 trillion (lower CBO estimate) and avoiding direct benefit reductions, focusing on provider taxes and administrative savings.
    • Result: $1.2 trillion in savings over 10 years.
  3. New Spending:
    • Original: $175 billion for deportations and wall, plus unspecified defense increases.
    • Cut 20%: Reduce by 20% to align with the bill’s overall reduction goal, even though tax cuts already cover the $760 billion.
      • Deportations and border wall: $175 billion × 0.8 = $140 billion.
      • Defense spending: Assume a conservative $100 billion (exact figure unclear); cut 20% to $80 billion.
    • Result: New spending drops from ~$275 billion to $220 billion, saving $55 billion.
  4. Revised Fiscal Impact:
    • Revenue Reduction: $0 (all tax cuts removed).
    • Spending Cuts: $1.2 trillion.
    • New Spending: $220 billion (deportations, wall, and defense).
    • Net Deficit Impact:
      • Original: $3.7 trillion (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $275 billion (new spending) = $2.775 trillion increase.
      • Revised: $0 (revenue loss) - $1.2 trillion (cuts) + $220 billion (new spending) = $980 billion decrease.
    • Total Fiscal Impact:
      • Original: $3.8 trillion (gross tax cuts and new spending, per some reports).
      • Revised: $220 billion (new spending only, as tax cuts are gone), a reduction of $3.58 trillion, far exceeding the 20% ($760 billion) target.
    • Adjustment: To hit 20% precisely, reintroduce a smaller tax cut, e.g., no tax on tips or a modest Child Tax Credit boost, costing ~$500 billion, so total impact is $3.04 trillion ($3.8 trillion × 0.8).
  5. Final Revised Bill:
    • Tax Cuts: Minimal, e.g., no tax on tips (est. $500 billion cost, a rough placeholder).
    • Spending Cuts: $1.2 trillion (Medicaid, SNAP, clean energy credits, focused on admin savings).
    • New Spending: $220 billion ($140 billion for deportations/wall, $80 billion for defense).
    • Total Fiscal Impact: $500 billion (tax cuts) + $220 billion (new spending) = $720 billion, before cuts.
    • Net Deficit Impact: $500 billion - $1.2 trillion + $220 billion = $480 billion decrease.
    • New Size: $720 billion in gross impact (tax cuts + new spending), a 20%+ reduction from $3.8 trillion.
Caveats
  • Exact costs of individual tax cuts (e.g., tips, SALT) and defense spending aren’t fully specified in sources, so estimates are approximate.
  • A 20% cut to a $3.8 trillion bill yields $3.04 trillion, but removing all tax cuts ($3.7 trillion) overshoots. I reintroduced a modest tax cut to align closer to the target.
  • Senate feedback (e.g., no Medicaid benefit cuts) and Byrd Rule compliance may require further tweaks.
Summary
  • Original Bill: A $3.8 trillion package with $3.7 trillion in tax cuts, $1.2-$1.5 trillion in spending cuts, and ~$275 billion in new spending, adding $2.4 trillion to the deficit.
  • Senate Passage: Uncertain—possible via reconciliation with a 53-47 GOP majority, but fiscal hawks, Medicaid concerns, and Democratic opposition pose risks. A July 4, 2025, deadline adds pressure.
  • Revised Bill (20% Cut): Gross impact reduced to $720 billion (from $3.8 trillion), with tax cuts mostly removed (except a $500 billion placeholder), spending cuts at $1.2 trillion, and new spending at $220 billion, yielding a $480 billion deficit reduction.



"Budget Deficits Are Beautiful!" — A Trumpian Parody

From the desk of Donald J. Trump, 47th (and greatest) President, King of Golf, Builder of Walls, and now Self-Proclaimed Budget Deficit Whisperer.

My fellow Americans — and especially my fellow billionaires —

People always ask me, "Sir, how do you feel about trade deficits?" And I tell them, "TERRIBLE. Disgusting. Just the worst. They're like losing at golf to Rosie O’Donnell." We are LOSING to China. We send them money. They send us wind-up toys and TikToks. SAD!

But budget deficits? Let me tell you — budget deficits are a whole different story. Budget deficits are patriotic. They are strong, masculine, and they love America. I call them Freedom Holes — the deeper we dig, the freer we are. You heard it here first.

Look, people say, “But Mr. President, aren’t budget deficits connected to trade deficits?” WRONG. Fake news. Totally different. Completely unrelated. Just because the government borrows trillions and that increases imports doesn’t mean it’s my fault. That’s Econ 101 from the Deep State. I got a degree in Real Estate, which is basically economics plus golden toilets.

When I was president, I CUT taxes for rich people — HUGE success — and spent like a contestant on The Apprentice with a black Amex card. It was perfect. We made America great again on credit! You know who else loved deficits? Reagan. And he had the BEST hair before me.

They said, “Sir, the budget deficit is skyrocketing!” I said, “Skyrocketing? That’s what rockets do! Elon loves rockets. I love Elon. Therefore, I love budget deficits. SIMPLE.”

If you want to reduce trade deficits, they say, you should reduce budget deficits. But why would I reduce budget deficits when I can just blame China? It’s all China’s fault. Or windmills. Or Sleepy Joe. Anyone but me.

In conclusion, TRADE deficits are BAD, because they make us look weak. BUDGET deficits are GOOD, because they make me look generous. And looking generous gets me votes. And votes are like dollars, but better — you can’t file for bankruptcy on them. (I checked.)

Thank you. God bless America. And God bless the sacred art of debt.

– DJT
"The only man who ever made default sound like a business plan."



“Donald Trump vs. The Smug Economist” — A Parody Dialogue

Scene: Mar-a-Lago. Gold walls. Gold chairs. Gold Diet Coke button. Trump sits behind a comically large desk. Enter: Dr. Deborah Knowitall, an Ivy League economist with three PhDs and zero tolerance for nonsense.

Dr. Knowitall:
Mr. Trump, with all due respect, your obsession with trade deficits while ballooning the budget deficit makes no economic sense.

Trump:
Wrong! Totally wrong. I’m like a genius. Stable. Very stable. Trade deficits are when we’re LOSING. Budget deficits? That’s called winning with style.

Dr. Knowitall:
Sir, they are connected. A government that spends more than it collects increases national savings shortfalls, which are offset by capital inflows. That drives up the dollar and worsens the trade deficit. Basic macroeconomics.

Trump:
Listen, Debra—

Dr. Knowitall:
Deborah.

Trump:
Debbie, here's the thing. When I was in office, we had the best deficits. Incredible deficits. Tremendous. I added trillions and the stock market loved it! You ever see the Dow with Obama? Sad. With me? BOOM.

Dr. Knowitall:
You added $7.8 trillion to the debt in one term. That’s more than any president in history. And you claim to hate debt!

Trump:
Only when other people do it. When I do it, it’s leverage. I wrote The Art of the Deficit. Beautiful book. Didn’t read it, but still.

Dr. Knowitall:
So to reduce trade deficits, you could have just... reduced government spending?

Trump:
Or — OR — I could slap tariffs on everyone, insult Canada, call China names, and sign my name really big on documents that do nothing. Which I did. You’re welcome.

Dr. Knowitall:
So you’re saying trade deficits are bad optics, but budget deficits are... campaign strategy?

Trump:
Exactly! Finally, she gets it! Trade deficits make us look weak. Budget deficits? No one understands them. They're invisible! Like calories in Diet Coke.

Dr. Knowitall:
This is why economists cry in the shower.

Trump:
Cry all you want, Debbie. The base loves a big, beautiful deficit — as long as I’m the one spending it. It’s not economics. It’s theater. And I always play the hero.

[Cue “Hail to the Chief,” played by Kid Rock on electric guitar.]

Dr. Knowitall:
We’re doomed.

Trump:
We’re winning. TREMENDOUSLY.



“Donald Trump Explains Inflation… With a Big Mac” — A Parody Sequel

Scene: Fox News Town Hall. A patriotic backdrop of eagles, flags, and golden arches. Trump takes the stage to a standing ovation. Sean Hannity moderates. An audience member, Tim from Ohio, nervously raises his hand.

Tim (audience member):
Mr. President, I love you, sir. But everything is more expensive now. Groceries. Gas. Even Big Macs! Is that inflation? And… didn’t deficits make it worse?

Trump:
Great question, Timmy. Beautiful question. Probably the best question anyone’s ever asked in the history of questions. And yes — Big Macs. Let’s talk about it.

[Trump adjusts his tie, leans forward like he’s about to drop wisdom on the world.]

Trump:
When I was president, a Big Mac cost $3.99. Now? It's, what, $6.99? That’s not inflation. That’s Bidenflation. Okay? That’s Sleepy Joe putting ketchup on the economy and calling it a sauce.

Hannity:
So you're saying... prices are up because of Biden?

Trump:
Of course! Look, under me, we printed a lot of money. Like, a LOT. But it was the right kind of printing. Smart printing. Gold-standard-level printing. Okay?

Tim:
But sir… isn’t that what causes inflation?

Trump:
No, no. See, when I print money, it’s Trump Money. It’s strong. Masculine. Like a Big Mac with three patties. Biden prints money, and it’s soy money. Very weak. Like a sad little McChicken.

Hannity (nodding, confused):
Interesting.

Trump:
It’s all about confidence, Sean. I walk into a McDonald's and inflation goes down out of respect. When Joe walks in, the Filet-O-Fish hides in shame. Even the fries go limp.

Tim:
But... deficits?

Trump:
Let me tell you about deficits, Tim. Deficits are like extra cheese. You don’t need it. But it makes the burger better. Unless you’re lactose intolerant. Which is what Democrats are — lactose intolerant socialists. They hate flavor, they hate America, and they hate cheese.

Hannity:
And what about the national debt?

Trump:
It’s like the calories on the Big Mac box. Nobody reads them. Just vibes.

[Crowd erupts. Trump throws MAGA hats. A bald eagle cries in the distance.]

Tim:
So… inflation is fake?

Trump:
No. Inflation is real. But it’s Biden’s fault. And possibly China’s. Or windmills. We’re looking into it. But don’t worry — when I’m back, I’ll fix inflation with volume. I’ll negotiate with McDonald’s directly. We’ll get Big Macs for $1 again. Two for $2. Maybe three for $3 if I feel generous.

Hannity:
You heard it here, folks. Big Macs, back on budget — Trump style.

Trump:
Make America Eat Again.



“Donald Trump Explains the Federal Reserve… Using a Golf Course” — A Parody

Scene: Trump National Golf Club, Bedminster. Sun is shining. Birds are chirping. A caddy stands by nervously holding a gold-plated 9-iron. Trump is in a red “Make Rates Low Again” hat, giving an impromptu “economic seminar” to a group of very confused donors.

Trump (squinting over the fairway):
Okay, folks. Today I’m going to explain something very important. Very mysterious. The Federal Reserve. Some say it controls interest rates. Others say it's just a bunch of bankers with boring voices. But really, it’s just like a golf course. My golf course.

Donor 1:
Sir… the Fed is supposed to be independent.

Trump:
Wrong! FAKE NEWS! The Fed is supposed to do what I tell them. They’re like my caddy. I say “9-iron,” they don’t hand me a putter. Jerome Powell didn’t get that memo. Sad!

[He swings. Slices the ball into a water hazard.]

Trump:
Okay, maybe that was a bad lie. But here’s the deal. Interest rates are like greens fees. You keep them low, more people show up to play. The economy thrives. Everyone’s buying golf carts. Big success!

Donor 2 (cautiously):
And if rates go up?

Trump:
Then it’s Biden’s course. And he raised the fees so high, no one wants to play. Except maybe China. And they're cheating. Believe me.

Donor 3 (trying to follow):
So… the Fed adjusts rates to slow inflation?

Trump:
That’s what they say. But what they really do is panic. Like a golfer with the yips. Powell kept raising rates like he was trying to hit the moon. TERRIBLE. Made housing unaffordable. Destroyed the vibes. Nobody wants to build condos next to a course where the Fed’s hiking.

Donor 1:
But didn’t inflation spike after you did all that pandemic stimulus?

Trump (waving it off):
Stimulus is like a free cart ride. Everyone loves it. You want to slow down the economy? Just put a windmill on hole 7. Works every time.

Donor 2:
But shouldn’t the Fed be neutral?

Trump:
Neutral? No. I want a Fed that’s aggressive. Like a great caddy with killer instincts. One that whispers, “Mr. President, sir, the green is yours. We’ll keep rates LOW so you can swing freely and take ALL the credit.”

[He dramatically points to the horizon.]

Trump:
In my second term, I’ll redo the whole system. No more boring bankers. I’ll replace Powell with someone who understands golf and growth. Maybe Phil Mickelson. Or Kid Rock. We’re exploring options.

Donor 3:
So how would you describe the Fed, in one sentence?

Trump (smirking):
The Fed is like the clubhouse bartender — nice to have around, but don’t let him touch the cart keys.

[Cue dramatic music. A bald eagle circles overhead. Somewhere, an economist collapses in a heap of tears and spreadsheets.]




“Donald Trump Explains Cryptocurrency… Using Monopoly Money” — A Parody

Scene: A gold-plated conference room at Trump Tower. Red velvet curtains. A giant portrait of Trump hugging a Bitcoin. The audience includes tech bros, confused seniors, and one guy in a Doge costume. Trump struts in holding a stack of Monopoly bills and a physical Bitcoin he bought on eBay.

Trump:
Alright, folks. Let’s talk crypto. Everybody’s asking me, “Sir, what is cryptocurrency?” And I tell them, very simply — it’s Monopoly money for people who think they’re smarter than the Federal Reserve.

[Holds up pink Monopoly $500 bill.]

This right here? This is basically Dogecoin. It's fake, but fun. You buy it, you lose it, maybe you buy a hotel on Baltic Avenue, and then your cousin Gary starts calling himself a 'blockchain strategist' on LinkedIn. It’s a whole thing.

[Audience laughs nervously.]

But listen, when I was president, Bitcoin was low. Why? Because the world was STABLE. When the world is confused, when it’s scared, when it smells like Joe Biden’s economy, crypto goes UP. People run to digital fake money because they’re tired of real fake money.

Tech Bro (from the crowd):
But sir, crypto is decentralized.

Trump:
Decentralized? That means no one’s in charge. That’s terrible. You know what else was decentralized? Occupy Wall Street. And they all smelled like armpits and bad ideas.

Senior in the back:
Can I use Bitcoin to buy soup?

Trump:
Great question. No. You can’t. You buy Bitcoin to feel smart and poor at the same time. It’s like art, but without the canvas. Or the talent. Or the actual object.

Dogecoin Guy:
What about Doge?

Trump:
Doge? Doge is a MEME. It’s like if Garfield and Chuck E. Cheese had a digital baby and Elon Musk baptized it on Twitter. And I respect that! I do. Tremendous branding. Terrible currency.

[He holds up a shiny TrumpCoin prototype.]

Now THIS… this is what crypto should look like. It’s called TrumpCoin™. Backed by pure American confidence. No blockchain. Just my face on the front, and your dreams on the back.

Audience gasps.

Trump:
You can use TrumpCoin to buy steaks, enroll at Trump University 2.0, or reserve a seat on the Trump Moon Resort coming in 2028. Maybe.

Tech Bro:
But what’s the tech behind it?

Trump:
Tech? No need. Just vibes. And a gold sticker.

[He slaps the gold “T” on the Monopoly box.]

Trump:
Crypto, folks, is like Monopoly. Most people play, few people win, and the banker always cheats. That’s why I love it. That’s why I fear it. That’s why I tried to ban it but also secretly bought some. Smart move. Great hedge.

[Music swells. He tosses Monopoly bills into the crowd like it’s a strip club of economic confusion.]

Trump:
Thank you. Buy TrumpCoin. Dump Doge. And remember: if money’s fake, at least let it have a good haircut.




“Donald Trump Explains Climate Change… Using Air Conditioning” — A Parody

Scene: Trump rally in Arizona. It’s 114°F. Trump is under a giant fan wearing a suit too heavy for the desert and sipping Diet Coke. There’s a sweating crowd, a podium, and a very confused climate scientist in the front row holding a “PLEASE” sign.

Trump (wiping his brow dramatically):
Okay, folks — it’s HOT. You feel it. I feel it. But that doesn’t mean it’s climate change. That means we need better air conditioning. Big AC. The best AC.

[Crowd cheers “A-C! A-C! A-C!”]

They say the planet is warming. I say — turn the thermostat down! It’s not complicated! You don’t ban cows. You don’t drive tiny electric cars that look like golf carts made by communists. You call Carrier, you crank it to 62, and BOOM, problem solved.

Climate Scientist (yelling):
That’s not how any of this works!

Trump (ignoring):
Look, I know weather. I’ve played golf in all kinds. Rain. Wind. Hurricane-level conditions. One time, I played through a tornado in Nebraska — got a birdie. True story. And let me tell you: weather is different than climate. Weather is what you wear. Climate is what liberals whine about on TikTok.

[Crowd: “LOCK UP THE WEATHER!”]

Trump:
They want to ban gas stoves, folks. Gas stoves! I love gas stoves. You can’t make a proper Trump Steak on an electric grill. That’s like trying to win a trade war with feelings. It doesn’t work.

Climate Scientist (meekly):
But sir… the oceans are rising.

Trump:
So we build taller sea walls! It’s called innovation! Florida’s going underwater? Fine. We just make New Florida™ on top of the old Florida. Stack it like Trump Tower.

[Crowd begins chanting “STACK! STACK! STACK!”]

Trump:
They say fossil fuels are bad. But when I take Air Force One over a coal plant — beautiful smoke. Gorgeous clouds. That’s American industry. That’s not pollution — that’s freedom steam.

Climate Scientist (head in hands):
Oh God.

Trump:
And windmills? Windmills kill birds. I love birds. I just don’t want them chopped up by Biden’s death fans. Also, they give you cancer. Probably. We’re looking into it.

[He points at the sun.]

Trump:
THAT is the problem. Too bright. Too aggressive. When I’m back in office, we’re gonna talk to the Sun. We’re gonna renegotiate. Maybe a few days off a week. Maybe part-time sun.

[Crowd roars. An American flag unfurls in the shape of a snowflake.]

Trump:
So don’t let the climate hoaxers fool you. The real solution is simple: More air conditioning. More Trump. Less Greta.

Crowd:
“COOL IT DOWN! BUILD THE DOME!”


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